I thought I was fearless.

Pitch the client, hire the team, build the product.

But inside I was afraid.

With clients, I was afraid they wouldn’t stay, or that they’d find out we were figuring things out on the fly.

With employees, I was afraid they’d take advantage of me, or make a mistake that made us look bad.

With competitors, I was afraid they’d take my clients or talk about us behind our backs.

My fears seemed justifiable. After all, I had evidence that these things could happen.

But fear didn’t protect me.

It made me controlling, guarded, and hard to reach, which created the very outcomes I was trying to prevent.

People became cautious around me, and my business grew more slowly because of it.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

I was surprised the first time I heard the opposite of fear is love.

Love expands, connects, and accepts, while fear contracts, isolates, and defends.

But when I was in survival mode, love didn’t seem to be relevant to business.

Now I know better. Love builds trust, strengthens relationships, and creates an environment where people want to contribute and stay. 

It’s good for business because love comes from abundance.

Love doesn’t mean unconditional employment, access, or agreement. It doesn’t mean I accept win/lose contracts, ignore missed deadlines, or tolerate disrespect.

It means I don’t question people’s worth.

I can love someone and decide not to work with them.

I can understand them and say no.

I can hold a standard without turning a mistake into a judgment about who they are.

The same is true with me. I can learn from a mistake without making it mean I’m fundamentally flawed.

It’s easy to love people when they act the way I think they “should.”

Or when I think they’re trustworthy.

But loving clients, employees, and even competitors because it feels good? That never occurred to me.

It Feels Good

The feeling of love is something I can generate any time I want. And I’m the one who feels it.

The other person doesn’t literally feel all the beautiful chemistry happening in my body when I feel love.

My feelings don’t transfer into their body.

They have their own thoughts about what I say and do, and those thoughts create their feelings. They may feel loved, uncomfortable, suspicious, grateful, or nothing at all.

Whether they feel loved or not doesn’t change my experience. It still feels good to me to generate love.

It’s easier to love people when I believe everyone is doing the best they can with the tools and understanding they have. 

When I see people that way, withholding love doesn’t make sense.  

It doesn’t help me.

And it doesn’t help them.

Love is a state of mind I create within myself. It changes how I see the other person and what I do next.

Start With You

This all starts with the way I treat myself.

If I only approve of myself when I perform well, I do the same with other people.

If every mistake threatens my worth, their mistakes affect how I see them too.

Self-love doesn’t mean telling myself everything I do is fine.

It means I don’t turn on myself when I make a mistake or something isn’t working.

Psychologists call it unconditional self-regard. I call it unconditional love.

It means my worth doesn’t rise and fall with my behavior. I can take responsibility for what I’ve done without making it mean there’s something wrong with me.

The more secure I feel in myself, the less I need other people to behave a certain way so I can be okay.

Understanding

The Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh said that when you truly understand someone, you can’t help but love them.

If I could really see all the history, fear, loss, family patterns, beliefs, and emotions that shaped someone’s worldview, their behavior would make more sense.

That doesn’t mean someone’s best is always good enough. 

Sometimes someone’s best is still disappointing or unacceptable.

Understanding doesn’t mean agreement. It doesn’t remove consequences.

But it does let me see the person instead of an opponent.

Be Right or Feel Love

What’s changed most for me is that I don’t take things personally the way I used to.

That doesn’t mean I never get triggered. I just notice it sooner.

Someone can be angry.

Someone can disagree.

Someone can choose another company, another relationship, or another path.

They’re doing what they’re doing. 

I might not like their behavior, but I don’t have to make it mean they’re doing something to me. 

Once I remove that story, I don’t have to prove that they’re wrong.

I can listen.

I can hold a boundary.

I can ask for what I need.

I can let the other person decide what they can give.

Sometimes love says yes.

Sometimes love says no.

But love gives me more choices than fear ever did.