Being nice is not the same as being kind.

Kindness is about what serves the other person. 

Niceness is about managing how you’re perceived.

It took me a long time to understand the difference.

It’s easier to treat people with kindness when you treat yourself that way, too.

But achievers like us are not always kind to ourselves. 

We say yes when we mean no, criticize our own performance, feel guilty when we’re not working, and ignore our bodies.

Some part of me expected the people on my team to do the same.

When they made mistakes, didn’t work as hard, or took time off, I used to feel annoyed.

That’s when I would try to be nice.

The Energy Underneath

I didn’t realize it at the time, but when I was trying to be nice, I usually wanted the other person to understand me, agree with me, approve of me, or at the very least see me as a good person.

So If I had to say no, set a standard, or make a decision my team might not like, I’d try to soften it by being nice.

Trying to be nice looked like not saying exactly what I meant. I’d imply something instead of stating it plainly. 

I’d turn a clear standard into a suggestion. I’d act like something was fine when it wasn’t. 

Sometimes I was so brief and reassuring they didn’t even understand the issue. 

Other times I’d give so much context that they’d lose the thread altogether.

All of this confused them.

They knew something was off, but they couldn’t tell whether it was them or me. They could feel my energy didn’t match what I was saying.

Sometimes the pendulum would swing all the way in the other direction, and I’d be too intense and forceful.

A deadline was missed. A core value or standard wasn’t met. A decision was ignored. Someone’s behavior was creating risk for my company.

So I’d abruptly let them know what they did wrong without giving much thought to how I said it.

Then immediately afterward, I’d feel bad.

I’d start wondering if I was too firm, too direct, or too aggressive.

I’d replay the conversation and imagine the other person felt embarrassed for being criticized. I’d worry I had lost their trust and respect. Maybe they would quit.

So I’d go back later to reassure them that everything was ok. Sometimes I apologized, even when what I said was accurate and warranted.

Then, because the whole interaction felt uncomfortable, I might avoid them a little bit. Or the next time I saw them, I’d go overboard to try to undo the tension.

Both of these were mistakes. 

It was unfair to them, unfair to me, and it hurt my business.

The person was left trying to interpret what actually happened. Was the issue serious? Was the standard real? Did this matter or not?

The Confused Signal

I saw a version of this with Atlas.

I’d correct him with a loud “no,” then immediately feel bad about my tone. A few seconds later I’d soften, pet him, or try to make it up to him with a treat. 

I thought I was being loving, but I was actually making the signal harder for him to understand.

Was the behavior wrong? Was everything fine? Did the correction matter? Did the affection mean the moment was over?

People are not dogs, obviously. But nervous systems learn through consistency. Organizations do too.

When the message is followed by guilt, over-explanation, avoidance, or an attempt to make everyone feel good quickly, people don’t learn the standard.

They learn the leader is conflicted.

And that conflict is expensive. 

You pay the cost by feeling inauthentic and eventually resentful for being in the position in the first place. 

The team pays the cost with confusion.

The company pays with repeated mistakes, slowed growth, and a culture where standards seem arbitrary or optional.

Confusion in a business starts with confusion inside the leader. 

One part sets the standard. Another part wants to be liked for setting the standard.

Those are not the same thing. 

It’s human to want to be appreciated, but not everyone will like the standard you set. 

They may not like what the standard requires of them. And in the moment, some may not like you for holding it.

That’s the moment niceness becomes tempting.

Kind Instead of Nice

The antidote is to pause and step into the Observer role before doing anything.

Then ask yourself what outcome you really want.

When I’m not fully present, I’m usually trying to manage how I’m perceived. The outcome I want is for the other person to agree with me, approve of me, or see me as smart, right, or fair.

In other words, I’m trying to control what they think of me.

When I become the Observer, I can see this happening before I act on it. 

Then I can ask a better question:

What outcome is best for the business and the person?

The answer will include being clear, consistent and kind.

Kindness accepts the person and addresses the behavior. Kindness cares about the human and still stays loyal to the standard.

Kindness is not making the moment painless.

Kindness is making the message understandable while respecting the person.

Start by being kind to yourself. Prioritize time in your zone of genius. Focus on your progress and look for the good in you. Take breaks. Get rest. Eat well. Move your body.

Then kindness to others might sound like this:

“This doesn’t meet our standard in these ways. It matters for these reasons. I believe you can do it, and here’s what we need going forward. What questions do you have?”

People can handle the truth. What confuses them is not knowing what it is.