For most of my life freedom was the most important thing to me.
But the way I defined it cost me everything else.
I was lonely, tired, and frustrated with almost everything in my life.
At the time, I didn’t understand why.
Hidden Rules
So I took a course called the Internal Map of Reality by a coach named Bill Harris. One of the exercises was to identify our top values.
I learned that values are simply what matter most to you. They determine what you focus on, how you spend your time, and the results you get.
If I wanted to understand why I was so unhappy, I had to start by identifying mine.
Freedom
Self-sufficiency
Intelligence
Achievement
Fitness
At first, those sounded good to me. Of course I valued freedom, intelligence, and achievement. What founder doesn’t?
That’s when I learned what mattered even more were the rules in my head about what it meant to live up to those values.
Those rules are what we call beliefs.
It’s a little embarrassing, but here’s what I wrote in the notebook two decades ago:
Freedom: Money and time to be, do, and have whatever I want.
Self-sufficiency: I don’t need anyone to help me.
Intelligence: I always know the answers.
Achievement: Never fail. Be the best.
Fitness: No fat. Look like a 21-year-old yoga instructor.
No wonder I was unhappy. My rules were impossible.
But until I asked, “What does this value mean to me?” I didn’t realize my beliefs were the reason I never felt good enough.
Then came an even bigger realization.
Conflicting Values
My values were in conflict with each other.
I valued freedom, which meant money and time. But I also valued self-sufficiency, which meant I didn’t want to delegate. So I stayed involved in too many decisions, reviewed too much work, and made the business depend on me.
The result was the opposite of freedom. I had less time, less space, and less energy.
I valued freedom, but I also valued having all the answers. So I went back for a master’s while I was still running my business, because I thought knowing more would make me feel smarter.
Instead, it consumed my time and energy which meant I definitely did not feel free.
There are two ways you can spot a values conflict:
- How you feel
- The results you get
Values conflicts show up first as frustration, exhaustion, and guilt.
Frustration means, “I’m not getting something I value.”
Exhaustion is a sign of values with impossible rules.
Guilt means, “I chose one value but violated another.”
You can also see values conflicts in results. I’d get the numbers, and my health would tank. I’d protect achievement, but lose my freedom.
It’s not that my values were wrong. They reflected who I used to be.
But the rules were too rigid, and my values needed to evolve with me.
What Guilt Means
When we feel guilty, it’s usually a conflict between what we actually value and what we think we’re supposed to value.
For example, relationships were not in my top five values back then, but I thought they should have been.
So I felt guilty for not prioritizing them.
But my beliefs about relationships were the real problem.
In my mind, they required hours every week, doing things I didn’t really want to do in order to make other people happy, and talking about things that drained my energy.
So I organized my life around self-sufficiency, didn’t prioritize relationships, and felt lonely.
Once I realized how I was creating the experience of loneliness, I could choose a new set of values and beliefs to create a different experience.
Contribution became the bridge.
It helped me see relationships differently. They weren’t another requirement to meet. They were an opportunity to be present, honest, loving, and of service.
Once I defined relationships that way, I didn’t have to feel guilty for also wanting freedom. I could be true to myself and still be connected to other people.
Changing Values
Fast forward twenty years, and my values are different.
Love
Freedom
Spirituality
Contribution
Health
But what matters even more are the beliefs I have about them.
Love means any time I’m present, connected, or grateful for anyone or anything.
Freedom means any time I feel peace and abundance.
Spirituality means any time I feel connected to my higher self and remember I’m more than my physical body.
Contribution means any time I help, serve, encourage, teach, or bring more love into the world.
Health means any time I care for my body, mind, or spirit.
These beliefs are much easier to live with.
They don’t require perfection or proving. There’s no “always” or “must.”
They don’t force me to choose between loving people and being free.
Here are the questions that started it all for me:
- What are your top five values?
- What beliefs are attached to each one?
- What has to happen for you to feel like you’re living them?
- Are any of your values competing with each other?
- Are there new values you want to choose now?
Your values shape the direction of your life.
But your beliefs decide whether that life feels like freedom or a cage.
