I spent a lot of my life trying to fix myself.

I read books, went to seminars, joined groups, met with therapists, and hired coaches. 

And I learned a lot.

But the most interesting thing I’m learning now is there’s nothing wrong with me.

I’m not fundamentally flawed.

And neither are you.

You Aren’t a Problem

I came across an idea from psychologist James Hillman that gave me a new way to see this. He called it the “acorn theory.”

The idea is that each of us carries an original pattern, a unique way of being, the way every acorn carries the pattern of an oak.

An acorn doesn’t become a pine tree.

It may find itself outnumbered in a grove of pine trees and think it should be different than it is.

But it will always grow into an oak, and the shape it takes is entirely its own.

The way I see it now, your environment may shape your personality, but it doesn’t change your unique essence.

Early in my career I was an IT Director for a large association. I was opinionated, impatient, wanted to move faster than everyone else, and constantly challenged decisions by committee.

I didn’t make a great employee.

For years I tried to tone myself down and fit in, but I never really did.

When I eventually started my own business and asked that same association if they wanted to become my first client, they said yes.

That’s when I realized the traits I thought were problems were exactly what entrepreneurship required.

But over time, I started adapting again. 

As my business grew, I unconsciously started trying to fit in with the hype of founder culture.

Proving how smart I was.

Doing everything myself.

Constantly comparing.

My personality adapted to the grove I was in. It learned what earned approval. 

I think this is where most of my exhaustion came from.

The tension between who I really was inside and who I thought I needed to be.

The personality is always scanning and asking:

How do I look?

Am I enough yet?

What will they think?

But something deeper asks different questions:

What matters to me?

What can I contribute?

What craves expression?

The Forest and the Flaw

There’s a coach and author I admire, named Dan Sullivan. In his book Who Not How, he urges us to stop asking how we’re going to do everything, and start asking who is the right person to do it.

It works because we each have distinct strengths, what he calls unique abilities, that come naturally to us but may be hard for others.

The problem is, when you spend years trying to be a different tree, your natural traits get amplified into personality styles that look like flaws.

Take impatience. At full volume it disrupts and alienates. Turn it down and you’ll find vision, the ability to see what’s possible before others can.

Or rebelliousness. At full volume it burns bridges. Underneath is likely to be a pioneering spirit with the drive to challenge what isn’t working and find a better way.

Or perfectionism. At full volume it paralyzes. Turn it down and you’ll find a commitment to excellence, the drive to do things as well as they can possibly be done.

Finding the Thread

So how do we express our true self more fully? 

The first step is awareness. 

Notice what’s running you: What you’re doing because it’s expected, or to look good or prove something. Where you’re performing for approval instead of expressing your genuine nature.

Then notice what’s calling you: What energizes you, even if you don’t understand why. What you’re drawn to, even without external reward. What you’d still want to do without regard to money, status, or approval.

That’s where the acorn begins to speak.

Becoming your true self is a process of noticing, listening, expressing. It starts with curiosity instead of judgment.

When I look back, one of the threads in my life has been about finding patterns: in people, in businesses, in data.

Maybe becoming yourself starts with noticing the thread that has been running through your life all along. The thing you keep returning to.

What’s the thread running through your life?

How much time do you spend nurturing it?