Founders have one of the hardest jobs in the world: creating something from nothing.
But as amazing as that is, we don’t treat ourselves very well. We criticize ourselves all the time. It’s almost as if we don’t really like ourselves.
But, you say, I do like who I am. I’m proud of what I’m achieving.
And that’s the problem. You like yourself because of your achievements, not simply because you exist. Because surely that’s not enough, right?
This is conditional approval. You don’t love yourself innately as you are, but only when you’re striving and achieving. All the achievers I know struggle with it, which is why this is the first in a series of newsletters on the topic.
The Myths That Keep Us Trapped
The term self-love carries a lot of baggage. It’s no wonder since there are so many misconceptions about what it means. These are the most common ones:
“It’s selfish to love yourself.” Actually, when you love who you are, you have more love to give to others.
“It’s narcissistic.” Narcissism is an external show of superiority driven by insecurity. Loving yourself is about building a secure, caring relationship with yourself where you learn to trust and count on yourself for support.
“I won’t be motivated if I just love myself. I have to be hard on myself to succeed.” This is one of the biggest lies of all. Self-criticism is not the effective motivator we think it is. It undermines our confidence. When you love yourself you yearn to reach your full potential because it feels good to grow. Not because you’re trying to prove your worth.
Conditional self-worth tells us we have to be special. Excellent. I remember in the past actually thinking that being average was almost worse than being bad at something.
We think we’ll finally be good enough when: we’re the best in our industry, hit our financial goals, get the award, lose 20 pounds, the list goes on.
The problem is there will always be someone smarter, more attractive, more wealthy. We’ll always feel we’re not enough.
The Hidden Cost of Conditional Self-Worth
We adopt strategies to cope with the constant pressure. These feel necessary but actually create other problems:
- Trying to control all the variables so we appear perfect
- Needing to be the smartest person in the room to hide feelings of inadequacy
- Buffering with food or alcohol to diffuse tension and self-sooth
- Isolating ourselves because it feels safer than showing vulnerability
From Self-judgment to Self-awareness
When we relate to ourselves as not worthy unless we’re achieving, we inevitably relate to other people that way too, noticing the ways employees, family members, and even clients fall short.
Every time we criticize or judge someone else in our mind or out loud, we reinforce the hidden belief that they’re doing the same to us.
This creates a real barrier to authenticity. It affects all your relationships because how can you really be present if you’re constantly comparing or worried they are?
When you become the Observer of these patterns, you notice the critical thoughts as they arise instead of automatically believing them. That awareness alone starts to loosen their grip.
The next time you hear the inner critic, pause and take three slow breaths. Then ask, “Would I say this to someone I love?” The question creates an opening in your heart.
In this week’s video, I give examples of how this pattern shows up in your leadership, the five forms of collateral damage it creates, and what to do instead the next time something goes wrong.
