I don’t ask for much.

That was my first thought when the models and projections I’d asked for still weren’t done.

I was working 70-hr weeks with my reputation and all my money on the line. The least they could do was get me a few spreadsheets.

Didn’t the team see how stressed I was? Why weren’t they doing more to help me?

Keeping Score

Without realizing it, I was keeping score. Every late night and every lost weekend counted. So did every risk I took, every extra pound I gained, and every relationship I strained.

My team didn’t cause any of it. Those were decisions I alone was making. 

But in my mind, I thought they owed me. 

I didn’t give a specific deadline because I assumed they knew it was important. It came from me.

So when I asked for a status update on the models and heard, “I haven’t started on it yet,” I was flabbergasted.

What?

I took it as a lack of respect. They didn’t care about me. I messaged back:

“I’ve been here past ten every night this month and haven’t had a weekend off since spring. I asked for this to be done ASAP. But I’ll work through the weekend so it gets done.”

Notice I led with my late nights. It was like I wanted them to feel bad for making me work extra.

I was really asking: Can you see what running this company is costing me? Doesn’t it matter to you?

I took over the work, resented it, and counted it against them.

Worst of all, they resented me for making them feel wrong. And people who feel bad don’t do their best work.

What They Saw

From their side, it was one more ASAP on a list that was already full.

A deadline would have meant deciding what to take off their plate, and I didn’t want to do that. I wanted them to fit it in and figure it out the way I did. By working harder or longer. 

I just didn’t want to say that out loud.

And yes, they did see how stressed I was. All it did was make them nervous and cautious.

It didn’t make my requests more important. It just convinced them they didn’t want my kind of life, and made some wonder whether they should stay.

The Deal

The terms of the deal only existed in my head: I give everything to the business, so my requests come first. Find a way to fit everything in without asking me to choose. When I change my mind, follow my new direction without question.

No one on my team knew I had these rules. They’d never agreed to them.

I thought I didn’t ask for much. But I expected a lot.

What did help was building systems instead of expecting heroics. Then no one had to guess what mattered most.

Still, I didn’t see I was keeping score until after I sold my company and wrote the book, Loving Your Business.

I write these newsletters partly for the founder I used to be. Remembering what she couldn’t see keeps it fresh for me. I also write for everyone else who’s in the thick of it.

If you’ve ever thought “I don’t ask for much,” at work or at home, ask yourself:

What are you giving that no one asked you to give?

What are you expecting in return that you’ve never said out loud?

When you ask for something, have you said why you need it, by when, and what can wait?

Back then, I was in survival mode. Now, with some distance, I know better:

Hold people accountable for what they agreed to, not for unspoken expectations.