Most of us have a hidden instruction manual for ourselves and others. Our parents and key childhood figures wrote the outline for this manual, mostly based on what they learned from their own parents. Through words and actions, they told us what was expected. These instructions were meant to keep us safe and ensure we reflected well on them.

We learned basic rules like not talking to strangers and washing our hands. We were told to be polite, not to interrupt, practice the piano, and do our homework. But we also learned what to think: Rich people are greedy. You can’t trust the government. You have to work hard to get ahead. You must be the best.

Adding Chapters to the Manual 

As we grow, we keep adding chapters to our manual. We define how we should look, act, who our friends should be, how much money we should make, and more. Entrepreneurs have even more instructions in their manuals. Whole sections warn us not to trust competitors (“Watch out, they will steal your clients”) and include rules for employees (“They should work like I do”). We also get instructions on how to act (“Always be confident—never let anyone know you are worried”).

The Entrepreneur’s Manual 

As business owners, we are naturally high achievers. We value hard work and persistence, believing we can always improve. While these traits drive success, they also create even more rules for ourselves. We tell ourselves:

• This is not the best you can do—you must try harder.
• You must set an example for your staff by working more hours than they do.

Our manual convinces us there is always something else we could or should be doing.

An Overwhelming Rulebook 

Over time, this manual grows longer than War and Peace. It sets rigid rules and impossible standards. We must be smart and beautiful, assertive yet patient, strong but feminine, great at business, and a decent cook. “Wash your hands” evolves into “Pluck your eyebrows.” “Eat your carrots” turns into “Avoid late-night milkshakes.”

Most of the time, we don’t even realize this manual exists, yet it silently guides our actions.

When We Don’t Follow the Manual 

When we don’t follow the manual, we feel like we’re doing something wrong. For example, if we say, “I need to take a break and relax,” we immediately think, “I can’t do that! That’s lazy. There are a million things I need to do.” We feel bad for ignoring the manual and often beat ourselves up for it. When others don’t follow the manual we created for them, we get frustrated and may criticize them outwardly or resent them silently.

The Myth of Perfection 

Most manuals are recipes for mythical perfect lives lived by perfect people. But perfection is impossible. Still, we try. When we fail, we feel inadequate, stressed, and like we’ve let ourselves down. On the rare occasion we do hit perfection, the goalpost moves, and perfection is suddenly somewhere else. We can’t relax because we’re always striving for the next level.

Hiding the Stress 

When things fall apart, we feel we can’t show it. We’ve been taught to project confidence. We convince ourselves we can succeed and act certain so others believe in us too. Employees depend on us. Clients pay us to solve problems. Spouses take financial risks with us. Banks loan us money. So when things go wrong, we keep the stress inside and work harder. We tell ourselves this is the price of being a successful business owner.

The Breaking Point 

Eventually, the stress becomes too much. We seek escape through overeating, overdrinking, overworking, overspending, or binging on TV or social media. These coping mechanisms, called “buffering,” temporarily create distance from what we’re trying to avoid.

We justify it by saying we deserve a break. Sometimes these escapes are harmless—like a Netflix marathon on a rainy day. But when buffering spirals into binge-eating pizza and ice cream, or drinking a whole bottle of wine, we know we’re avoiding deeper issues. The next day, guilt kicks in, and we buffer again to escape the shame.

Recognizing the Hidden Manual 

Acknowledging this hidden instruction manual is freeing. Once you realize it’s your manual, not some external force, making you feel trapped, you gain control.

Rewrite Your Manual 

Your beliefs about yourself, your business, and others have been shaped over time. You can question and change these beliefs. Start by identifying the rules in your manual. Fill in these blanks and notice the pressure they create:

• In order to make a lot of money, I must: ______________.
• In order to be successful, I must: ______________.
• In order to have employees, I must: ______________.
• In order to look good, I must: ______________.
• In order to grow my business, I must: ______________.

Change Your Model 

Your manual was written to fit a specific worldview—one that you believed kept you safe. But it’s only a model, and models can change. In fact, they must change for you to transform your relationship with your business.

Take Action 

The work you put into uncovering and rewriting the rules in your manual will deliver real results—not just in your business but in every area of your life.